The H1N1 flu virus is nothing compared to what I'm seeing in marriages these days. Divorce has hit epidemic levels among people in the church. These are Christians who know God's word, but the culture around them, the financial problems of our day and the cooling of commitment to promises has brought us to a time when I am really concerned about what I am seeing. Other pastors I know tell me the same thing. It's a serious problem. When the home crumbles the faith of those in those homes will be in jeopardy as well. I know a number of pastors are working on ways to help couples keep their marriages alive, but many want none of it. I can't tell you how often I have has a couple in my office for counseling and one of them has their arms crossed with a frown on their face. They are done and they will not be swayed from their path regardless of what the bible says. I believe these are genuine Christians, so what is going on? Jesus talked about it in Matthew 24-25. He said that as we near the end of days "the love of many will grow cold". I think we are seeing this now. It means I must do everything I can to care for my marriage and help others do the same. These are difficult days, don't let the days we are in cool your marriage. Be extra careful...the enemy has all his guns focused on the home. If he destroys the home he undermines the culture and the generations ahead who will have no idea of what life should be like. Keep the fires of your marriage lit. The enemy has one major goal- the destruction of your marriage. The best way to win a war is to know what the enemy is doing. Now you know.
10 comments:
So sad to witness so many leaving their marriages but Scott and I are so thankful that God has carried us through some very difficult circumstances and kept our marriage intact. I think it's so easy to get complacent and that the enemy loves nothing more. Thanks for a great reminder today, Mike.
I think the problem in so many of these cases is a sense of hopelessness. For most people there is a limit to how long they are willing to remain miserable - even when the alternative (in this case divorce) goes against God's Word. When one party in a marriage is miserable, convinced that the reason for their misery is their spouse, and convinced that their spouse will never change, then they are left with the perception that their only choices are either divorce or a remaining lifetime in a miserable marriage. Most aren't willing to accept the prospect of a miserable life - not if they see an escape route. Even when the Bible puts a "No Exit" sign over that route many Christians will take it given the perceived alternative of hopelessness and misery. Not many of us are really willing to hang in there when "for better or worse" ends up being "worse with no end in sight". The real question for people who see themselves in this position is "is there really no hope for this marriage to become a happy one (or at least one they can live with)?" If the second partner will not change - assuming the second partner genuinely must change for the first partner to be happy - what is left for the first partner to do? Maybe it's my Catholic roots but I've always had the attitude that I'm in it for the long-haul - even if I find myself unhappy in my marriage. Of course, that's easy for me to say given that Natalie and I are happy together. But my promise to God when I got married wasn't a commitment to my own happiness; it was a commitment to my marriage - for better or worse. It was a commitment to never give up and never lose hope - even when things seem hopeless.
God bless you Mike! I don't envy your job.
Do you suppose it has something to do with the economy? I think the stress is enormous on families when joblessness is so prevalent and it looks like there is no job anywhere in sight. It's hard to go from our once "wealthy" middle class lifestyles to barely scraping by.
That doesn't excuse anyone from trying to get out of marriage, but I wonder if this is something that is pushing couples over the edge.
What do you do when you are unjustly distrusted in your marriage? Constantly accused of cheating when you're not? And both partners are Christian and the accusations never end? When you start changing and becoming distrustful as well? And it's your second marriage of 5 years? It's very difficult!! Marriage is!
Thanks for the great comments. I think it's the economy, the strains of culture, the desire for IMMEDIATE happiness and a hundred other things that "give us permission" to break our promises. One counselor I know said, "We want happiness and we think that getting it our way right now is better than waiting to see God work in our lives. It's not, but we believe the lie that we know better than God."
Anonymous,
You asked, "What do you do when you are unjustly distrusted in your marriage?..."
Wow, I am so sorry to hear that. You are in a very difficult marriage when trust is lost. If you can, wherever you live, find a good Christian counselor or a pastor you trust and get in there now to get some help. What you are describing in brutal, discouraging and heartbreaking. Get help is you can. I'll be praying for you.
When I was young I can remember people saying “the hard times pulled us together.” But you don’t hear that much anymore. Why do you think that is? Was that what Jesus was talking about in Matthew 24-25 also?
Joe Martin
That's a great question. I think we used to need each other to survive, but not so now. A husband or wife can leave, get a job and start over. We aren't as dependent on one another as we used to be. Sad, really. It makes divorce much easier.
I have a very different perspective after being married to a *christian* man that abused me, emotionally and physically.
I do not believe that God expects women to endure abuse, either physical or emotional. And I get really tired of hearing people say that you just need to hang in there and pray for him. Because chances are, a man like that has serious personality issues, that a Pastor or even a Christian Counselor will miss because they are so jaded by "God's Word" that common sense is gone. A psychologist or psychiatrist won't miss the above mentioned issues, but then you deal with whether or not you'll be able to get a person like that to go see someone. Furthermore, while God can change that person, most people like that don't want to change and won't see the need in changing because there is nothing wrong with them.
I have seen it happen time and again- people see a Pastor for premarital counseling, and the pastor misses the fact that the man is passive/aggressive, narcissistic or even smugly abusive, b/c well, God can fix them and they will change. People don't generally change.
You are no good to the world if you're so beat down emotionally or physically that you're suicidal or can't function as a healthy individual. No one should have that amount of control over another person.
South Dakota,
I don't disagree with anything you have said. I am sorry you had to go through such a difficult marriage. It's often true that people put on a mask to look good until they get married and then the monster comes out. It's probably the hardest part of my job- being able to see these things in counseling and bring them out into the open. What's hard to deal with is romantic love. Often the couple simply don't see what I see and don't want to....until it's too late. Other times the masks are so well worn it's hard to see the problems before a couple gets married. Abusers always seem to be good liars as well. I am sorry for what you have endured. Thanks for your insightful comments.
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